R+W #1: "No" by Jesper Juul
How to create a family environment where boundaries are communicated with love, respect, and understanding.
"No" by Jesper Juul is a short parenting book that focuses on the importance of setting boundaries and saying no to children constructively and respectfully. Jesper Juul was a renowned Danish family therapist and author who contributed significantly to the field of family dynamics and child-rearing practices. His work often emphasizes the importance of emotional honesty, mutual respect, and clear communication between parents and children. He has written many books that are worth reading - this one is one of them.
In "No," Juul argues that saying no is an essential aspect of parenting that helps children develop self-discipline, respect for others, and an understanding of societal norms and limitations. However, the way parents communicate this 'no' is crucial. Juul advocates for a parenting approach that respects the child's dignity and emotions while firmly establishing boundaries. He emphasizes that rejection or denial should not diminish the child's sense of self-worth or loveability. His words deeply resonate with me - especially because I have, and still do, struggle with this myself. Having been raised mainly by my mother who struggled with finding and articulating her own space and boundaries, I, tend to agree to and allow far more than what I actually ought to do. So this read was a very healthy wake-up call.
Key points from the book include:
The Power of No: Juul discusses how saying no sets necessary limits that are vital for the child's psychological development and for establishing a sense of safety and security.
Respectful Communication: He stresses the importance of communicating boundaries in a way that respects the child's feelings and perspectives, avoiding authoritarian or dismissive approaches.
Understanding Behind the No: Explaining the reasons behind the no helps children understand and accept limitations, fostering a sense of empathy and respect for other's needs and boundaries.
Consistency and Clarity: Consistency in enforcing boundaries is crucial for children to feel secure and to understand what is expected of them. Clarity in communication prevents misunderstandings and helps children learn the reasons behind certain rules or decisions.
Emotional Intelligence: Juul highlights the importance of acknowledging and dealing with the emotions that arise when boundaries are set, both for the parent and the child. This helps in maintaining a healthy emotional connection and in teaching the child to manage their emotions constructively.
The Role of Yes: While the book focuses on the importance of saying no, Juul also addresses the importance of saying yes to children's requests and desires when appropriate, to foster a sense of balance and positive reinforcement.
"No" by Jesper Juul is not just about the act of saying no, but about creating a family environment where boundaries are communicated with love, respect, and understanding. Boundaries between children and parents, as well as the boundaries between the parents themselves. It is also a reminder that our role as parents is not about being super-human or consistently saying “yes” to our children - but about actually preparing them for life, which is about respect and recognizing one’s feelings as well as those of the people surrounding us.
Here are 10 strategic steps that you can consider for your parenting approach:
Understand the Meaning Behind 'No': Recognize that when children say 'no,' it's not just a form of defiance; it's a step towards developing autonomy. Similarly, when parents say 'no,' it should be meaningful and not a default reaction. Understanding the context and the reasons behind the 'no' can help both parties navigate conflicts more constructively.
Communicate Clearly and Respectfully: When you need to say 'no' to your child, do so clearly and respectfully. Explain the reasons behind your decision without over-complicating things. Children appreciate honesty and can understand more than we often give them credit for. I often myself fall into the trap of giving lengthy and unnecessary explanations - a simple “no” would have been enough.
Set Consistent Boundaries: Consistency is key in parenting. Set clear and consistent boundaries that are reasonable and always explain why they exist. When children understand the rationale behind rules and limits, they're more likely to respect them.
Offer Choices Within Limits: Instead of a flat 'no,' try to offer alternatives. For example, if your child wants a snack before dinner and you don't want them to spoil their appetite, offer a choice between two healthy options that you find acceptable.
Practice Empathy and Validation: Show empathy towards your child's feelings and desires, even when you have to say 'no.' Acknowledging their feelings ("I understand that you want to play more, but it's bedtime.") validates their emotions and helps them feel heard. One situation that I experienced once was when our youngest was starting to go to school. Having never been separated from me before for such a long period she was initially very saddened by this. I acknowledged her feelings, and mine as well, and said that being “sad” was not necessarily wrong. That being sad about the separation was an ok feeling to experience - that I felt sad as well, and also would be missing her. We hugged while acknowledging these feelings - and - after this conversation, the next separation was much easier.
Model the Behavior You Expect: Children learn a lot by observing their parents. If you demonstrate respectful communication and reasonable boundary-setting in your behavior, your children are more likely to mirror these behaviors. If you however keep changing or moving your boundaries, your children will find it hard to understand your expectations as well as mirror your behavior.
Pick Your Battles: Not every 'no' is equally important. Decide what matters to you and your family values. Sometimes, allowing flexibility can prevent power struggles and maintain a peaceful home environment.
Encourage Open Dialogue: Encourage your children to express their thoughts and feelings about the 'no' they received. This open dialogue can lead to mutual understanding and respect.
Use Natural Consequences: Whenever appropriate, let natural consequences teach the lesson instead of imposing arbitrary punishments. If a child refuses to wear a coat, for example, they might briefly feel cold outside, which teaches the importance of dressing appropriately.
Focus on the Positive: Instead of always focusing on what your child cannot do, highlight what they can do. Positive reinforcement encourages good behavior and makes the 'no' moments less central to your overall interaction.
These strategies are about balancing firmness with warmth, setting clear boundaries while also fostering independence, and ensuring that the parent-child relationship is based on mutual respect and understanding. Jesper Juul's work often emphasizes the importance of the emotional well-being of both the child and the parent in these dynamics.
Some practical examples that I liked:
“When a two-year-old pulls at your glasses for the third time you could say: “Stop, I don’t want that (in a gentle but firm and confident voice), and then take the glasses. Or say: “I can see that you find my glasses interesting to play with but I don’t want it”. Then take the glasses.
When a 4-year-old interrupts your conversation over dinner you could say “I want to finish the conversation with Jane first, then I want to speak with you”. These are very clear, personal, and constructive messages. They are much easier for children to deal with than these examples of traditional upbringing:
“No, no darling.. glasses are not for playing with. They cost a lot of money.” or “We don’t interrupt when others are speaking. You’ll have to wait”. Alternatively, the dad says: “Your dad doesn’t want you to play with his glasses” or “Your father just wants to speak to your mother first”. When parents speak about themselves in the third person there is very little chance that they will be heard - let alone have their boundaries and needs respected. Imagine if an adult said to you “Liz doesn’t want to speak with you right now”. We would not appreciate that. “
Let us take a quick look at the incorrectly labeled “terrible twos”. When children go through that phase many parents become defensive and say “No” more often than they would like to. During that phase, children become less dependent and more independent. This is all things considered, very beneficial to the parents as they will gain more freedom and more personal time. Their children can move around more freely, communicate more confidently, and explore their world independently. They demand to do things on their own and do them their way - even the things they are not able to do. During this phase children have two important needs: they need their parent’s feedback and plenty of support and encouragement. The feedback must reflect their parent’s values and boundaries which means it will be necessary to say “No”. ..the other part of their development is their desire for independence and autonomy. This will need plenty of support and encouragement. You need to be positive and say “Yes!” to that. Whenever they want to do things by themselves it is a good idea to say: “Try and see if you can work it out now. If you need help - just let me know”. “.
“Many parents will from time. to time use. an artificial language. One option is the appealing “teacher-like” version which focuses on being positive. “No, no my little friend.. You do know that Dad doesn’t want you to touch his computer when it is on. One day when you get your own then Dad will show you how to use it.”. The other option is the stern and serious version “I don’t know how many times I need to say this.. You know you are not allowed to touch dad’s computer!”. In both examples they speak to children in a way they imagine “real” parents speak. As a result, their personalities disappear. Consequently, they will experience many conflicts with the children and they both become confused and driven to despair. This happens because the parents set the tone in the family and interactions become a role-play where parents as well as their children play childish games. .. When we use the “child-friendly” language we weaken the message and we fall short of making the right impression. Our emotions are no longer connected to the words we use. This makes it difficult to communicate who we are as people. This communication ignores important messages about our boundaries, desires, needs, and what is important to us”.
The way you say it makes all the difference. Here are some common examples:
Say: I want you to clean up now! (in a clearly irritated tone of voice
Do not say: Your mother gets frustrated when you don’t clean up after yourself. (in a blaming, appealing, or teacher-like tone of voice).
Say: I want you to tidy your room. Would you do that, please?
Do not say: Why does your room always look like a rubbish tip?
Say: I am tired and need to rest. I would like you to be quiet for 30 minutes.
Do not say: Couldn’t you stop making such noise - just for once!
Say: I want you to clean the kitchen table every time you make a sandwich.
Do not say: Don’t you think I’ve got better things to do than cleaning up after you?
Do not say: Do you think I am asking too much of you? I don’t want to be your servant. You will have to help out.
Say: When it comes to your sports bag want to do things differently. From now on, it will be your responsibility to empty your bag and put the gear to wash.
Do not say: Again and again, I have to empty your sports bag. How many times. have I told you that it isn’t my responsibility? What will your teacher think about me when you turn always turn up without your sports gear?
Do not say: Why can’t you just do some simple things for yourself? We are not exactly asking too much of you so at least you could look after your own sports gear.
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